In 2003, a close friend of mine killed himself. This post is dedicated not to him but to us - his friends and family who continue to grieve.



I grew up in Palmerston North, home to a fair few suicides during my high school years and I watched as people all around me were affected as friends committed suicide. At the time New Zealand had something like the second highest youth suicide rate in the world and no one I knew was left unscathed. Many of us from that group can tell you of someone we know and loved who died.



We set up support groups and networks. We gathered together. And we watched as the country went into lockdown. To talk about it too much was to encourage it.



That was a time when New Zealand's suicides accounted for more death than road accidents.



We're back at that time and we're now looking at 80% of those dying over the age of 24.



I'm sick of this. 511 killed themselves between July 07 and June 08 in New Zealand. That's 511 bereaved families and friends and people who need love. That's 511 people who didn't feel the love. What are we doing wrong New Zealand? How did we get to this point?



To BR - I hate what you did that day. I hate that you felt you couldn't carry on and couldn't rely on us to carry you. A lot of people loved you and we're still hurting and missing your presence. I didn't go to your funeral - I was too scared about saying goodbye, I didn't know how to make it better and I'm not sure, five years on, I've gained any greater clarity. I really wish I had gone. I could have said goodbye. I hate that you forced us to say goodbye to you. I hate that I still cry over your death.



I've never quite worked out how to solve the problem. It's the reason I love so passionately and need people to know that I care about them. It's the reason I have a habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I don't want you to die and not know how much you mean to me.



If you're reading this and you don't know me - then *know* that there is someone out there that feels like this about you too.



If you feel like the world is closing in and you feel like you've lost all faith, hope and love there are people you can talk to. People who won't judge. And a God who loves unconditionally - no matter what you do, who you are, how unloved you feel.



Lifeline - 0800 543 354

Depression - 0800 111 757

Youthline - 0800 376 633; text free on 234; email talk@youthline.co.nz

Samaritans - 0800 726 666 (North Island only)



For more information take a look at the SPINZ website or Lowdown (for youth people about depression).



[Organisations listed are NZ based]



So this is me - speaking out against suicide and depression. I know this is just a blog post but for anyone who has talked to me about this you know that it's so much more than a one post topic to me.



I hate that I'm writing these words knowing that they'll make little impact and the person I cared about that  needed to read them most left this world 5 years ago. We miss you.